I will pre-empt by noting that this post contains colorful language. This serves 2 purposes: 1) to warn you, and 2) to assure you that I am not being paid by SeroVital-hgh to pen this filth.
Friday night. A week before my 35th birthday. At home watching the premiere of my friend’s show. Drinking a laxative tea, and reading a rag of a magazine. Just came across yet another advertisement for this human growth hormone. I’ve been marinating on the idea of ordering this for weeks, just to see.
Fuck it. Happy birthday to me.
I sign up on the official (its shittiness inspires me to double-check its “officialness”) website. Try a couple of coupon codes that don’t work, and register for the preferred plan, which locks in a subsequent monthly price of $80 + shipping (initial time is $99 + shipping). I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl, and I’m not naive when it comes to supplements. They all take a while to work– I shake my head at the naive folks who write terrible product reviews after a couple of weeks. There was one on the ULTA site which someone wrote after four days. FOUR DAYS. Surely, there are things that haven’t even passed through my digestive system in that amount of time. I realize that this is the second gastrointestinal reference I’ve made in this blog– that’s out of character, so don’t expect a lot of that kind of talk. Unless this hgh stuff has me shitting my brains out for some bizarre reason, in which case you will have to suffer through that with me. That is yet another good reason for having this be anonymous. The first is that I’m about to be 35 and, as a struggling actress, NO ONE CAN KNOW. I need to capitalize on those 20-something roles while I can.
I guess this is a good segue to talk a little bit about myself, which may turn you off from this blog completely. I am not a fatty. In fact, I am what most in the regular world would consider thin. 5’7 on a tall day. 120 in the morning on a good day, 115 in the am when I’m about to film something (this is a challenge and not easy to maintain), and 125 when I’m letting myself go a bit. If I really don’t pay attention for 6 days and stuff my face well past the point of satiation, I can wake up sashaying with 130. This makes me nervous. I go through spurts of working out and eat relatively well. Now that I write that, I guess I’ll have to include those eating/working out details in this journal. For now, I’m already bored talking about myself, although I realize that’s the real essence of a blog and that it’s important for you to know me in order for this whole thing to be value-added. I also took a sleeping pill that’s about to kick in, but I promise to give more specifics about myself at some point.
Now that you think I’m a pill-popping, weight-obsessed, silly girl, more about what I just ordered.
Here you will find a description that I have consistently seen cut and pasted throughout magazines, reviews, and yes, the “Official Site”. It was enough to coerce this schmuck.
www.serovital.com (yay! we now get to commiserate together over the shitty site!)
Not the most poetic or inspiring blurb, and I chuckled at the “we’re being totally 100% upfront with you” reverse-sell of the WHAT’S THE CATCH section, but I figured why not? I have no plans to blow it out on my birthday, and I could easily have spent $300 on a night out, even with people buying me drinks, (I live in NYC. If you live in NYC, you know that’s actually a conservative estimate), so I had no problem rationalizing my purchase. It took a good 6 seconds.
I also saw that Dr. Oz endorses this product. I like/trust that guy– I don’t know why, but I do.
After ordering, I received a confirmation email, although I have no idea when these pills will actually be shipped/arrive (is it safe to say that we are in agreement about how shitty their site is?). Maybe I was scammed and gave my credit card to some bored teenage online thief in Bangladesh, and this allegedly amazing product will never arrive. In that case, I will rename this post “Greetings and Goodbye Forever (from the desk of a vain actress)”. Perhaps the suicidal tone will garner me some hits.
Hope your Friday night has been more exciting than mine. Although I guess I am pretty excited about potentially unbridling my inner, scary-fit, crypt-keeper Madonna…join me, won’t you?